Man, I struggled with AAR for so many hours until I read this post! My biggest mistake was that I had curves set to 20, as suggested by Matt years ago, and was trying to do it way too fast. So my points are:
Disable wake turbulence and wind/weather.
Set axis curves to 10.
Use a KC-135MPRS tanker at 18,000 ft @ 300 kts (will be 230 kts IAS).
Position yourself 2 nm behind, and put some load on all pylons (bombs, etc.).
Use A/P CSS mode: press A/P, then press and hold ON/OFF for a second.
Make sure it's a 'clear contact.'
Focus on the pod; don't look at the basket as much as you can.
Once connected, try to find a reference point and adjust the speed very slowly so you're moving a couple of feet back and forth all the time.