No need for ABRIS !

[Sundowner.pl]

The cat, duck and tree method of instrument flying.

 

Any pilot that has more than 10 minutes of helicopter instrument hood time will tell you, maintaining attitude is the most important thing that you must do when flying instruments. Unless the “dirty side” is down, things such as fuel remaining are just not very important. Thus, the CAT is the most important part of this technique. Not just any cat, but a special feline that fits the required specifications to become your primary attitude indicator. As any young lad can attest, when a cat is tossed into the air, it will always land on its feet. Therefore, you can use a good cat as your attitude indicator. Be sure that you select a very alert cat, not one that is prone to curl up and sleep. One that has part of it’s tail missing (probably from a rocking chair incident) or one with singed fur, will be more apt to remain alert, due to the fact that it has already lost several of it’s nine lives.

 

Now in your helicopter, you will need a flat level place atop the instrument panel for the cat to stand and be in plain view as you fly the aircraft. If your cat has been de-clawed, you will want to provide a sheet of sandpaper for the cat to stand on so that it can get a good grip during turbulence. Be sure to use a fine grit sand paper, as you don’t want the cat to think that this is the sand box, or you will soon have other problems to deal with during your instrument flying experience.

 

Next we need to find a DUCK for use as our approach aid. We all know that ducks will not fly in bad weather, so all we need to do is throw the duck out the window and follow it down to the ground. But alas, things are not that simple. Most ducks like to land on water, and unless your helicopter has pop out floats, be careful. So after much testing and deliberation, I have determined that the little ducks with a white ring around their neck and dark green wing feathers, are the ones that like farmer’s fields and should be used to find large open areas in which to land. Do not feed you duck corn, as they will prefer corn fields. You should feed the duck any other grain that is short stemmed and easy to land your helicopter in (golf course grass seeds work well).

 

Anyone that has watched cartoons knows what will happen if the cat and the duck get together. Cats like birds! So you must keep the duck in a covered cage, but within easy reach. This is very important, don’t let the cat know that you have a duck onboard the helicopter, or your primary attitude reference will be totally useless. One more important note that I almost forgot, you will need to modify the duck by clipping some of the wingtip feathers. You will need to do this through “trial and error” until you clip just enough so that the duck cannot maintain level flight, but must descend at around 500 feet per minute. Otherwise, the duck will fly around VFR on top until you run out of fuel.

 

One more thing---beware of hunting season!!!! Need I say more.

 

There you have it, a simple easy to use method to fly IFR. No longer will you need JEPP, SIDS, STARS, NOS, WAC or any of those other silly letters. Just a cat, duck and tree. OH, I almost forgot, the tree. Yes, you will need to find a small pine tree, in a little flower pot, that will fit on top of the instrument panel. Remember to water the tree and if you keep your helicopter in a hangar, you will need to provide a sun lamp, but be careful where you place the sun lamp, as moss will only grow on the north side of a tree. Thus, you can use the tree for navigation and always know which way is north. Now that pesky cat will want to use the tree to sharpen it’s claws, so you may need to install a fence between the cat and the tree to ensure the accuracy of the moss on the north side of your tree.

 

If you have a small dog, you can bring them along to help keep the cat awake and standing upright. Which reminds me of the story of the airline pilot that boarded the aircraft and walked into the cockpit to find a dog sitting in the right seat. He turned and asked the cabin attendant, “...what is this?”. She said that this was one of those fully automatic airplanes that can fly itself. “OK”, said the pilot, “but what is the dog doing here?” She said, “he’s here to bite your hand should you try to touch any of the knobs or switches that could disrupt the automatic systems”. The perplexed pilot said, “then what am I suppose to do?” As the cabin attendant turned to walk away she said, “You captain, are suppose to feed the dog.”

 

Be kind to your dog, cat and duck, you may need them the next time you go flying and the GPS fails.

 

:megalol:

[Shaman]

Awesome :) Joke of the MONTH!

[Geier]

Mega lol:megalol::megalol::megalol:

[Ditch3r]

:megalol::megalol::megalol: Nice Find! :thumbup:

[kiss4luna]

i love it