Parental issues? Need Opinions.

[Severum]

Alright, heres the scoop, I have been living with my aunt and uncle for about a year and a half now, we have had our arguments and what not. Recently, my aunts computer took a dump and couldn't be fixed. They have done a lot for me in the last year and a half so I took it upon myself to buy them a brand new laptop showing how much I appreciate what they have done for me. Now, my father sells computers. Once I told him that I had gotten one for them from best buy he flipped out. Now, do understand, its not that I didn't want to buy one from my dad, at the time all I thought about was getting them a new one to make them happy, I didn't care how much I spent or where I got it. The fact they needed and wanted one was my only thought. Now, hes completely pissed off at me, telling me that I have no loyalty to him whats so ever. I told him he is acting very immature with how he handled the situation. Here, Ill give you some examples of texts he sent me.

 

Very foolish move. You KNEW I had new pcs I could have beaten any price. U could have paid me a little each week.

 

( I was supposed to come see the new puppy this day) Dont come here today I am in no mood to see you today

 

Dont contact me until you grow up. Till then stay away u forget who you're talking to no f***ing respect Do not contact me or ask me for anything you are hurting yourself not me I am shutting my phone off

 

Not threats grow the f*** up and dont contact me until you do

 

 

 

Now this is word for word, straight from my phone. Tell me he is not completely over reacting. I have not spoken to my father in 3 years, finally start redeveloping a relationship with him and this kinda blew it out of the water. Now, I cant say I fired back with a whole mess of stuff, I continued to tell him how immature he is for handling this issue like that. A normal human being would have said "Oh okay, well I had some computers set aside if you wanted one" Not the way he took it. I want to know what you guys think. Because everyone so far that I have asked has said he handled this completely the wrong way.

[effte]

Sorry to hear... and I agree with everyone you've asked so far.

 

Let it blow over, try to ignore it for now. The positions are probably locked at the moment. Maybe swallow your pride and go back in a month or two and ask for advice on an external hard drive or whatever you figure you need anyway. Obviously, his business is important to him as well as his self-image as a guy who can set things up for his family. Let him fill that role and think you really need him and his business... another time.

 

As you'd been reconnecting prior to this, he's obviously not a hopeless case. Being in touch with your parents is worth a lot for your own well-being I think, so it can be worth chewing a bit of humble pie, even though you are not at fault.

[Napa]

Sorry to say it and sound a bit disrespectful but your dad needs to grow up and see what's best for you and your future and not for his own pocket or agenda. Very selfish from your dad... you hurt his ego right there. Take it slowly.. baby steps.

[hassata]

You're pissed and hurt and rightfully so, but at the end of the day, he's your dad, so:

 

Maybe swallow your pride and go back in a month or two [my edit: within the week] and ask for advice on an external hard drive or whatever you figure you need anyway.

 

We all have to eat that type of shit once in a while, but family relations are way to important to let craziness result in unrepairable fissures. Someday, you'll have a kid too.

Edited January 31, 2011 by hassata

[LordWolf]

Wait, why do you want to befirend your father in the first place? lol

[PatriotCFS]

Best advice I can give is use it as a learning experience....

It will serve you well in the future when you have children of your own.

 

Our parents always wish we will be greater than them, use what you learn and move forward, but always remember to look back to see mistakes that were made.

 

(single parent of 4, speaking from experience)

[Total]

I suppose there's several reasons you are living with your aunt and uncle instead of your father. I also expect you don't want to go into any of the details of those reasons for various reasons.

 

I also would not doubt if there was some friction between your aunt/uncle and your father (maybe not fights but some differences of opinions or different ways of viewing a healthy living enviroment).

 

So, you got them one from Best Buy. That means that they can carry it down there for any sort of problem during the warranty without getting the "you're an idiot computer novice" look from a relative. Especially a relative whose son lives with them instead of him.

 

Sounds like your father has serious ego issues that, when not satisfied, he acts like a spoiled child and pitches a fit.

 

Maybe you both have some growing up to do. You being younger, that's kind of a given ;)

 

Of course, all of this is coming from a 40 yr old man who wrote off 99% of his family 10 years ago and couldn't be happier with the absence of the dramatics :D

[Severum]

TBH, I don't see myself needing to grow up at all. I did nothing wrong here. Even my mother said to him when they talked the night of that he is over reacting completely.

[Total]

I didn't quite mean it in that sense ;)

 

I'm 40 yrs old and I still discover areas where I need to grow up all the time. The younger you are, the more of those moments you have in front of you :)

[hassata]

One good thing to keep in mind when dealing with people: 90% if not more of their reactions or actions towards other people has to do with what's going on in their mind and very little to do with the actual person in front of them or his actions. E.g. you walk into a store and the clerk is short with you for nor particular reason--this has less to do with you and more to do with the previous customer who just shat down his throat. The best adjusted people are imho the ones that take very little personally, that remain nice and easy going until that very last inch when its time to no longer be nice. Then best get the fcuk out the way.

 

Anyhoo-these things happen, it'll blow over.

[mig29]

TBH, I don't see myself needing to grow up at all. I did nothing wrong here. Even my mother said to him when they talked the night of that he is over reacting completely.

 

Mothers can be tricky as they are blinded by the love for their children. :)

[Necroscope]

IMHO:

Your dad unconsciously waiting that you'll react as a child. Because in a fact - you are child for him. But you are reacting as a grown-up. Because - you are big boy.

So this is the problem.

Your dad waiting that you come to him with apologies and respect, as son to dad. And - he said his - "Till then stay away u forget who you're talking to no f***ing respect ". This is what your dad call as "come when you'll grown up". He waiting for the moment when you'll understand how tought he is and react acordently. Until this "act of declaration that my dad really cool and all I have it's only my dad merit" - you still little boy for him.

 

But in a fact - you acting as a grown-up, equal to equal. With own pride and arrogance. This is why your dad so pissed off.

So, I think it will be good start to take a time and spend some time somewhere on fishing, hunting or something else. At least - take a pack of beer or wine to spend evening together.

You have to say him how cool he is, and that you understand this with all respect. Untill this you are really little boy. ^)

 

SFME

[Speed]

Just, IMO... Life has enough drama without having to put up with unnecessary crap like that. It's unnecessary because... you don't have to talk with your dad. If that's the way he acts... just don't talk to him. Don't respond either... just ignore it. Maybe in a few years he will realize what a jerk he's been. Don't feel like it is necessary to have a relationship with any person, if that person just makes you miserable. I am not a believer in "family is everything"...

 

OTOH, if he can actually be nice sometimes... maybe it's worth trying to repair your relationship in a year or two. It's your life... you decide.

 

People can change, sometimes. My mother had issues with her parents, and had to live with her grandparents. Later in life, her parents did end up changing, maturing to a great degree, and becoming, good, nice, loving people, the grandparents who I knew, one of which has passed away unfortunately. Good luck with your dad, and let his development in life take the turn that my grandparents' lives did. :)

Edited February 4, 2011 by Speed

[Fjordmonkey]

It's sad to hear this, but sadly it's a well-known issue for me.

 

While I don't know anything other than what you've told, what I can say is that even though he is your father and that family is important, it's also important to think about what's important for you. At some point, taking a long, hard look at the situation and relationship will be needed, and when that time comes, my advice will be to look at all aspects of things on a pro/con-basis. Basically weighing the good vs. the bad, and then taking it from there.

 

Many will probably find the reduction of family/blood-ties into a simple pro/con-case strange, but I've never put much stock in family and blood-ties. Just because someone happens to be your father, mother or other family, does not mean that they should be allowed to use that as an excuse to behave as pure and utter muppets towards you.

 

Communication is needed, though. Without it there might be things said and done that will never go away, and that can have a life-long impact on the relationship. My father and me will most likely never speak to eachother again (long story), and, while sad, that is sadly how it will be until one of us passes away. Some rifts are just too much, too big and too deep to heal, and it's important to realize and accept that once all other options are explored.

 

My final advice is to at least try to talk with your father about this. Preferrably on what I call neutral ground (a park, over dinner in a restaurant etc), so that none have a "home field" advantage, so to speak. It's also important to try to see things from the other person's perspective, since there's always at least two sides to every story.

 

Don't know if I made any sense, but those are at least my thoughts.

[leafer]

I swear for a moment I thought I was at simhq...

 

Of course his behavior was uncalled for but could it be that he's going through difficult times?

[CyBerkut]

Severum, I don't know enough about you, or your family, to give you the wisest input. To answer your question, yes, I think your dad is reacting poorly. I don't know if it results from his business not doing as well as he wants, his relationship with you, his relationship with your Aunt & Uncle, something else, or some complex mixture of those. I do feel safe in concluding that his priorities need re-evaluating.

 

As adults, we all have to make choices. We decide what matters most to us, and then hopefully base our actions upon what is right and wrong, and best in light of our priorities. Sadly, being flawed and complex creatures, we don't always get it right. Even more sad is that some people have far less capacity to deal well with it when it happens.

 

While I do not really disagree with your assessment of your father's behavior, I will point out that telling a parent that they are behaving immaturely will almost never get you the desired results. (In their eyes, you haven't paid the dues that they have, and therefor have no standing to tell them that.) Generally speaking, you're usually better off to just 'hold your fire' and 'walk away'. How long you stay away following that, comes down to choices you make about your own priorities, and how the other party behaves in the aftermath.

 

For dealing with other people in a civilized society (not just family), there is a very important concept to get a firm grasp upon... There is a distinction between being truthful and being forthright. To elaborate, you can be truthful without necessarily speaking the *entire* truth. And there are times in life when that is useful. Generally, as you move through your life into greater responsibilities and more consequential relationships (ie. employment, marriage, child rearing), it's usefulness comes into play more often. Being truthful is a worthy goal to aspire to. Being forthright can frequently end up being an expensive extravagance.

 

Applying that to your described situation... If improving the situation with your father matters to you, then give some consideration to what you want to say to him, when he is finally in a calm, receptive state. (Dealing with him while he is agitated is unlikely to accomplish anything of value). If there is anything you regret / want to apologize for, then say it. If not, then don't. I would suggest you refrain from making judgemental statements about his behavior, unless he opens that door and is obviously receptive to a frank discussion on the subject. As satisfying as it might at the time feel to vent at him, it is worth remembering that building/maintaining a relationship isn't just about how *you* feel. In relationships the other party's thoughts and feeling matter too. If you are trying to help steer them into a better place, then you have to remain mindful of their thoughts and feelings while you are dealing with them.

 

Executive summary: You can't control your dad. You presumably can control yourself. Decide what your priorities are, and then conduct yourself accordingly.

 

I wish you the best of luck. (Just remember the luck you make yourself is the kind that is most often available.)

[hassata]

Also it's worth remembering the good times you had as a kid with the man (throwing a ball around, Disney World). Look at some all pics, and remember the care this guy took brining you up from a baby and protecting you. I'm assuming a lot here, of course. This goes double for mom, who carried you around fot nine months before hand. Possibly, he's got problems right now, maybe business is down, or bills to meet. Don't be to quick to cut the cord.

[Succellus]

Well i can say much. My parents where quite rational, i did similar things on my father and he only sayd: "Tard i could have provided you cheaper, but its your money."

And "Whats wrong with you ? I could have loaned you the money with no interest at all !!" But i was acquiring something i was sure he would not approve.(a motorcycle) so i did it on myself to avoid disapointment. In the end i was glad he said that.

 

Now with my wife its another kind of turf and we both overeact sometimes on nicky picky. So i guess hassata is right, you father may have issues but time probably will solve it as long you don tshut the door.

 

On a side note i think you did the right thing not buying with your father, on the other hand he may have taken that as a sign you don trust him (for some reason) so showing you trust him and eventually still need him can be a nice move.

 

Parents (usually) always want the best for us, but sometime they overblow it.