1) Make recovery available on the host mission, then once the host's aircraft bites the mud, just hit "ESC" and recover.
2) The "big bang" bug was fixed at some point, the players still spawn on the same place on the carrier, but they don't explode anymore..
3) Yes, clients cannot see the refueling hose before connecting to it. However, it is doable, clients will just need to follow the HUD cues..